I’m so depressed.

First, because our thesis… The thesis we worked our butts for… Croaked.

Well, we didn’t get deferred or anything… We passed and got an average grade…  But it’s just really, really frustrating.  Our group, (not to be proud or anything) thought we have a great thesis.  We literally, worked our asses off for this blasted thing and yeah… We were fucking proud of it! Hell! I am this close to copy-pasting the whole blasted thing here just so you could give me a comment and tell me whether it was good or not.

When I was in high school, I wrote a speech.  It was about all my frustrations and fear or leaving high school and stepping into the “real world”.  I was telling everyone of how sorry I was for not doing what I wanted to do… Not going to all the parties… Not getting to know all the people I could’ve known… And I remember the last line of my speech was “I’m sorry.  I could’ve done better.”  Better with what? Everything, I suppose…

But this whole thesis wasn’t like that.

I worked hard for it.  I was so sure of doing great!  I was psyched and I was so confident.  And what really sucks is that I feel like I let so many people down.  I let my group mates down.  I let our thesis adviser down.  I let Diane’s dad down.  Sigh.  It’s not even for me, you know? 

“If not for me, at least for others?”

I know none of the people I mentioned do in fact blame me for the whole fucking thing, but I just can’t help but be so frustrated.  I really wanted that thing that we all really wanted.  Damn!  Why can’t one part of my life go well?!

There are absolutlely 5 things in this world that I CAN'T take!

1.  husbands who beat up their wives

2.  guys who cheat on their girlfriends

3. dirty old bastards who rape kids

4.  girls who think they're up in the clouds and better than everyone else

5.  and MOST OF ALL, slow drivers

I swear, I hate them.  Especially when in a long high-way and then there's this slow-ass car in front of me.  Damn the devil!  Damn the devil to HELL! (say it with a southern twang for dramatic effect) 

I love to drive.  I feel free and alive whenever I'm driving.  My car is my refuge.  It used to be my room, but recently my room has been ruthlessly invaded by, heck, everyone!  Just listening to Third Eye Blind's first album play over and over again.  Never getting tired of shouting along with Stephan Jenkins to Losing A Whole Year. 

Sigh.

I was really happy today.  Pero feel ko lang mag-sentimiyento.  I just want to look back when I'm too corrupt and caught up in making money that right now, as of this moment, (1:00 am Jan. 22, 2004), I love to drive.

Vic and I had to say goodbye.

It was all because of the blah blah blah of all the people who are against us. 

Hahahaha! I am so delusional…

Sometimes, I wonder if I’m the only person like this.  I mean, is this behavior normal at all?  When I was a kid, the thing that led me to being a writer was my relentless ability to imagine.  My mind had a mind of its own! (Did that make sense at all?)  It would wander off to places where I was the most beautiful, most intelligent, richest gal amongst gals.  I enjoyed those places.  I think I was even afraid that one day I might leave that place and it would be painful.  Well it turns out it wasn’t painful at all.  Frankly, I never even knew I left that place. 

And now, it seems I’m going back again.  It’s exciting in a way.  I seem to be getting back the imagination that lead me to get the urge to just sit in front of the computer and type. Type. Type. Type. 

Like right now.

I’m probably not making sense at all, but still..  My hands are on fire!

(What the fuck! Someone is coughing, and I don’t know who and where she’s coming from.)

Anyway… Like I was saying earlier, Vic and I are on a time out.  Mostly because of outside forces that cannot be controlled.  And another reason, is because I have a new SO (sex object).  His name is WON BIN.

Take a look..

Isn’t he just… What the fuck am I saying!  I am totally cheating on Vic.  I can’t take this anymore.  Fire in my hands BE GONE!!!  I have to stop this now.  I outtie!

Goodbye year 2003, hello year 2004!

Well, well… Another fucked up year has passed, and another equally fucked up one to come in about ooooooh, 2 and a half hours.

Well, actually, this year didn’t suck too badly at all.

There are actually a few highlights in my life in 2003 that should be taken note off… Lessee…

1. February 7, 2003 – my birthday party.

It was fun.  Everybody got drunk, stef was phenomenal lol, den puked on our floor.  Even if the party was a great deal embarrassing for me, it was really, really fun.

2. April something 2003 – we went to Bicol for Holy Week

I thought going to the province was gonna be boring and all, but it was really, really fun.  I think I became closer to moms and dads because of this.  And first loooooooong drive.

3. May something 2003 – Boracay

I had a crush on “Meanwhile” as my ate and ate dr would like to call him.  But nothing really happened.  Oh yeah!!! We ran into Byron Torres.  Me ex!! Grabe, he still looked the same, well, I still looked the same too, hehe.  Still, it was nice to bump into him.  We got a little drunk by the beach.  Played a little. Haha!

4. May something 2003 – Meteor Garden

I know it sounds insane and pathetic, but I was so happy Meteor Garden was introduced here in Manila.  It changed my life. (Psycho!)  All of a sudden, I had something to look forward to.  MG and F4 (especially zaizai) certainly killed some time that I had too much of.

    5.   June start of the month 2003 – SADE in Laguna

This is where I met Alfie.  I drove JB, Ken and Jodie to Laguna for the Sons and Daughters Encounter retreat and Alfie sat in the passenger seat.  It was such a rush!! He was so cute! Just my type! Tall, dark, handsome and from Ateneo. Hehehe!

6. June something 2003 – Started to become close with the Chinese Mafia

I know it all started when I sat behind Wong and Ricky during Cathwor.  And then the whole crew just kind’of went along with it.

7. July 19, 2003 – It all started with Him

“it started over coffee, we started out as friends…”  Basta, it was an incredible night.  He was great.  WE had so much fun.  We were sweet.  Sigh.  I wonder if that night would ever happen again.

8. September something 2003 – Ken and Vanness went here in the Phils.

I know, I know… But it’s one of the highlights of my year, what can I say?

9. October 8-9, 2003 – Retreat (Mother Spinelli Retreat house in Tagaytay)

One of the best nights of my life.  Kahit medyo badtrip in a way dahil, ako nalang nakakaalam nun. Hehehe!

10. October 17, 2003 – Te Amo (Nuff said)
11. November 29, 2003 – Happy 50 TV

Watched Vic and Jerry in Da Fort.  Vic was… gorgeous.  It was the first time I saw him this beautiful.  He’s not handsome, he’s… beautiful.  Sigh.  Man, I would give anything to have that person in my life.

12. December 1, 2003 – Arf

Arf and I got together.  Nuff said.  I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

13. December 4, 2003 – I got to do my 2^nd goal before graduating college.

14. December 22, 2003 – Christmas dinner with friends

I got what I really, really wanted for Christmas and Ricky, of all people, was the one who gave it to me.  I was really surprised.  I love the bear whom I named Sticky. Hehe.

15. December 26, 2003 – Happy New Year Concert

I watched F4, the four of them in concert at the Ultra.  It was amazing.  A bit bitin, but nonetheless great.  I love them.  They all looked great.  Especially Vanness.  Hehe! I’m gonna give a blow by blow account of the concert next time.

So.  Probably, whoever is reading this, (me, maybe.  My future self.) would think, ang babaw naman nitong taong to.  Maybe I am.  But after all the crap that I went through last year, I think this year was the greatest ever na.  I think this was a very worry-free year.  I didn’t have much problems.  I was just taking it cool.  I had something to look forward to everyday while I went to school.  Although there are bad times like my foot being run over by my own car, but what the heck!  It was all worth it.  After the rain comes the rainbow… 

And I don't regret the rain

Or the nights I felt the pain

Or the tears I had to cry

Some of those times along the way.

Every road I had to take,

Every time my heart would break,

It was just something that I had to get through,

To get me to you.

Hehehe.  I’m not in the mood to right anymore.  I’m gonna finish this later.

Peace.

Fuck the Free World!